Ever since I was little girl I have been emotionally invested in everything and everyone. I remember being 6 years old and worrying about my daddy while he was working or if our house was going to burn down before I woke up. I was constatly thinking, worrying and wanting to be alone. I never understood why I had such a heavy feeling over my heart at such a young age. Being a Psychology major, it made me wonder about myself even more. I had a great childhood, I wasn't really picked on more than normal, my parents loved me, I didn't go without anything, I always had what I wanted. It seems as though I was just wired this way? Hence, the start of my anxiety disorder.
For any one who suffers from any anxiety disorder, panic stricken or not, you know the burden of fear you live with every single day. You can't escape it or ignore it. Through out my teenage years my anxiety seemed to manifest inside me rather than outside.I developed different kinds of coping mechanisms and most of them were not healthy. I became obsessed with my weight which slowly developed into an eating disorder. I wish I would have let someone help me, but I didn't. Although at the time I thought I was hiding it well in retrospect I don't really see it that way. Of course social factors played a big part in this as well, teenagers and adults can be brutal as we all know. You learn who your true friends are and those who were never your friends to begin with. You fall in love, break hearts and get your heart broken. It's all in the game of life. For me, it seemed like it was out of control and on a level I can not describe. I had never felt more alone than I did when I was 16. I felt like I grew up that year, I learned so much about myself and I started changing things I didn't like. I know some of you can relate. I used to ask myself, Why me? I know God wouldn't put me through anything I couldn't handle. I do trust him and I pray every night for him to give me strengh to beat this.
Fast Forward to better times...I married Brentton in July of 2008. We found out we were pregnant that November. I was shocked to be honest. I had been told It would be hard for me to get pregnant because of my Endometriosis. I was so happy to hear that God wanted me to become a mommy even though it was much sooner than I had anticipated. This I think was in his plan to help me get better :)
My pregnancy was great, to read more in depth about that you can refer to my posts in 2009. It was everything I had expected and the best part was that my hormone levels were so nuts that it actually calmed my nerves and my anxiety was decreased tremendously. I honestly felt "normal" when I was pregnant with Kaleigh.
My labor and delivery on the other hand, well we all know how that went..haha If you don't, refer to my post, "Just to Hear you Cry". One month after the birth of my baby I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Simply put, PTSD is an anxiety disorder that occurs after you have experienced a traumatic event that resulted in an injury of some sort. I wasn't surprised by this considering anxiety is something I've always dealt with but this time is was with an association. The nights in the hospital and the 10 weeks following were unexplainable The nightmares make me chill every time I think of them. I am still dealing with complications from that day.
The only thing that got me through those days were my little Kaleigh. Her sweet smile, her cry and her ever present need for my attention. The simple fact that she has the ability to love and to express her feelings makes everything I do worth it. Being a mommy is the hardest and best job I have.
Having to deal with PTSD and and anxiety disorder before and after she was born has probably been the hardest obstacle I've had to overcome. It's something I deal with every day. It hasn't been easy by any means. Every struggle, every tear I shed has all been worth it. Kaleigh builds me up every time I see her face. She is truly the happiest, most polite, most lovable and intelligent little girl in the world. I'm so proud to call her mine and hopefully one day she will be proud of me too.
My Reason for Breathing :)
So happy!
My Lovely Family
