My Biggest Struggle

I'm going to warn you before you read this post. This post is very personal and close to my heart. If you don't want to be emotionally involved with me then don't read it..haha This blog has always been and always will be meant for my friends, family and most importantly, Kaleigh. As she grows older my hopes are for her to experience the emotions I felt while becoming a parent for the first time and for her to learn from my mistakes. <3

Ever since I was little girl I have been emotionally invested in everything and everyone. I remember being 6 years old and worrying about my daddy while he was working or if our house was going to burn down before I woke up. I was constatly thinking, worrying and wanting to be alone. I never understood why I had such a heavy feeling over my heart at such a young age. Being a Psychology major, it made me wonder about myself even more. I had a great childhood, I wasn't really picked on more than normal, my parents loved me, I didn't go without anything, I always had what I wanted. It seems as though I was just wired this way? Hence, the start of my anxiety disorder.

For any one who suffers from any anxiety disorder, panic stricken or not, you know the burden of fear you live with every single day. You can't escape it or ignore it. Through out my teenage years my anxiety seemed to manifest inside me rather than outside.I developed different kinds of coping mechanisms and most of them were not healthy. I became obsessed with my weight which slowly developed into an eating disorder. I wish I would have let someone help me, but I didn't. Although at the time I thought I was hiding it well in retrospect I don't really see it that way. Of course social factors played a big part in this as well, teenagers and adults can be brutal as we all know. You learn who your true friends are and those who were never your friends to begin with. You fall in love, break hearts and get your heart broken. It's all in the game of life. For me, it seemed like it was out of control and on a level I can not describe. I had never felt more alone than I did when I was 16. I felt like I grew up that year, I learned so much about myself and I started changing things I didn't like. I know some of you can relate. I used to ask myself, Why me?  I know God wouldn't put me through anything I couldn't handle. I do trust him and I pray every night for him to give me strengh to beat this.

Fast Forward to better times...I married Brentton in July of 2008. We found out we were pregnant that November. I was shocked to be honest. I had been told It would be hard for me to get pregnant because of my Endometriosis. I was so happy to hear that God wanted me to become a mommy even though it was much sooner than I had anticipated. This I think was in his plan to help me get better :)

My pregnancy was great, to read more in depth about that you can refer to my posts in 2009. It was everything I had expected and the best part was that my hormone levels were so nuts that it actually calmed my nerves and my anxiety was decreased tremendously. I honestly felt "normal" when I was pregnant with Kaleigh.

My labor and delivery on the other hand, well we all know how that went..haha If you don't, refer to my post, "Just to Hear you Cry". One month after the birth of my baby I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Simply put, PTSD is an anxiety disorder that occurs after you have experienced a traumatic event that resulted in an injury of some sort. I wasn't surprised by this considering anxiety is something I've always dealt with but this time is was with an association. The nights in the hospital and the 10 weeks following were unexplainable The nightmares make me chill every time I think of them. I am still dealing with complications from that day.

The only thing that got me through those days were my little Kaleigh. Her sweet smile, her cry and her ever present need for my attention. The simple fact that she has the ability to love and to express her feelings makes everything I do worth it. Being a mommy is the hardest and best job I have.

Having to deal with PTSD and and anxiety disorder before and after she was born has probably been the hardest obstacle I've had to overcome. It's something I deal with every day. It hasn't been easy by any means. Every struggle, every tear I shed has all been worth it. Kaleigh builds me up every time I see her face. She is truly the happiest, most polite, most lovable and intelligent little girl in the world. I'm so proud to call her mine and hopefully one day she will be proud of me too.

My Reason for Breathing :)

So happy!

My Lovely Family

My Forever Best Friend



It's official, I'm cool. My daughter said we're best friends. To date, other than "I love you mommy", these are some of the sweetest words to come out of that pretty little mouth. We have a hand shake to prove it ;) When I think back to when I was little, my mom was my best friend too. I loved following her around and learing how to cook and clean. At the time I thought I was being annoying but I know now I wasn't. She taught me so much. It brings so much joy to my heart when Kaleigh follows me around..She loves to help me do the laundry, put her clothes in her hamper and throw garbage away. It might sound silly saying this but you can have a conversation with Ka. She understands so much and asks so many questions. It's so much fun being around her because she wants to know everything and I love teaching her.

One day she won't enjoy cleaning, she will whine over putting her clothes away and I know she won't be following me around every where I go. It's times like this that I will miss the most as she grows up. I will miss how she pulls her little pink Dora stool up to the washing machine and starts throwing in whatever clothes she can find..I will miss how she puts dirty clothes in her drawers. I will miss the way she holds my hand to walk the smallest distances and how she wants me to hold her all the time.

Kaleigh,

My Sweet heart, You told me when you were two that I was your best friend. I know you will not always feel like we are because I'm trying to be the best mom I can be to you. I have to protect you from danger, from BOYS (ewe they have cooties), from things that you have no control over. I have to teach you, guide you, help shape you into the kind of girl I know you are destined to be.God has BIG plans for you my dear. I want you to know that when you are mad or frustrated at me it's all derived from the love I have for you. One day you will understand...

One day things will change and I know I will hear you say those words again.

"You're My Best Friend Mom!"

Your Personality and positive attitude will give you everything you could ever want in life :)

Always know that..

Love Mommy



28 Reasons I Love You..

In one week Ka will be 28 months old. It seems kind of silly to refer to my child in months but you have to over look me, I'm grasping at anything to hold on to my "baby". Each day is a blessing, a learning experience, a struggle, a laugh, a moment in time that turns into a memory. I would have never dreamed how much my life would have changed the day I became a mother. I remember holding my stomach and praying every night for her health, her happiness and that I would never let her down. I'm in no way perfect but I'm proud of the mother I have become to her. If you would have told me 5 years ago I would be devoting my time and energy to a baby, I don't think I would have believed you. I had a plan for my life but someone had a different one; God had a plan for me all along and in that plan was Kaleigh.

I could burst in tears of happiness just thinking of her sweet face. In honor of her 28 month birthday approaching, I wrote a list.....

28 Reasons I Love You...

1) The way you say "I Love You Mommy"

2) The way your Heartbeats next to mine..

3)Your Laugh..

4) Your Beautiful Smile..

5)Your Shining Personality..

6) The way you look when you Dream 

7) Your "mad" face

8) Your independence

9) Your Brilliance

10) That you communicate your emotions

11)  Your ability to make me smile at the drop of a hat

12) The way you say your prayers at night

"Thank you God for our Food, I promise I'll be good!"

13) That you love going to "school"

14) Your love for the outdoors

15)  That you give me hugs and kisses when I'm sad

16) You have a way of making a room of people look at YOU

17) The way you dance around the room

18) The way you change the lyrics to songs (just like daddy)

19) Your ability to remember things that I forget..haha

20) Your face when you first wake up in the morning

21) Your love for anything Disney

22) The fact that you know more Spanish than most adults

(this is true)

23) Your love for milk

24) The way your eyes light up when I pick you up from school

25) Your love for UK stuff

26) The fact that you think all jewelry comes from THE CASTLE :)

27) The way you run..it's so cute!

28) Last but not least, I love you because you LOVE ME..

My Sweet Angel..You will never understand the love I have for you. It's a feeling that can't be described sometimes. I hope and pray that I will be a mother you will be PROUD of, a mother that will teach you right from wrong, be there for you when you make mistakes and when you experience your first heart break. When you fall down I will always be there to pick you back up, always. Never forget how much mommy loves you :)